Monday, January 28, 2013

Like living in a house

Every day after school I'm allowed to walk the first five blocks from school by myself, because I'm old enough now, and smart enough. Jenny used to meet me at the school front steps, which was five blocks out of her way, but now it's more convenient, and I'm an adult. Now I walk the five blocks and I get to have my me time, where I can talk to myself or sing songs or just think about how long my hair is, you know, me time. Then I get to five blocks where I wait for Jenny, who is coming from high school, to come meet me. One time I waited for a very long time. Jenny never came. That was the bad day. But now it's all good.

Today I left school, excited for my five block me time, but Sam Reynolds was there in his dumb hat. I pretended not to see him and walked by him. Sam was leaning against the fence, eating an apple, even though it wasn't lunch time. I hated him.

"Hey...." he said. "Can I walk with you?"
"I guess."
We walked for about two blocks in silence. I sweat through my sweatervest flannel shirt combo I had picked out. Just my armpits were sweaty; my back stayed good. Suddenly Sam looked up abruptly.
"So you live in the house on the hill on Mulberry Ave?"
I shrugged. "Yeah." I said.
We walked a little bit more.
"What's that like?"
"Um. Like living in a house."

We got to the rendezvous. Jenny was waiting in her cheerleading uniform and hoodie that she seemed to wear every day now. There was a stain on the top, kinda a brownish copper color. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail and her eyes looked tired. Her face was sickly white. I would have worried but I was used to it.

"Hi Brenda," sighed Jenny.
I smiled at her.
"Who's this?" she asked.
"Sam Reynolds," I said.
"What?" Sam asked.
"Your name."

Sam shook his head and frowned. After a beat he added bluntly,

"Brenda, let's go," said Jenny. She reached for my hand, but obviously didn't get it.
"Can Sam walk with us?" I stuttered through my teeth, trying to subtly let her know that she was embarrassing me.
"Who are you talking to?" asked Sam.
"Rude," said Jenny.
"Rude," I said.
"Okay I don't need this. I was just being nice to you because of what happened," said Sam.
"Um, whatever," I said.
"Let's go Brenda," said Jenny.
"You are really weird," Sam said.
"Don't listen to him, Brenda," Jenny said.
"I'm not. He doesn't get it."
"Who are you talking to?" Sam asked.

Jenny led me away. Sam stood at the rendezvous watching and then he left. We started walking up the hill. I could see our house peeking up over a fence, glancing down the gravelly road at us, like an angry old lady who really didn't want to buy girl scout cookies.

"So, how was school?" I asked.
"What are you, pretending to be mom?" Jenny said.
"You're not mom, okay!"
"I know, Brenda."

Jenny started crying really hard. It wasn't fake crying like you do when you want mom to think you're sick so you don't have to do the dishes. It was fat slug like tears squirming out of her eyes, and her shoulders shook forward.

"Don't cry, Jenny, it's okay." I said.
"I didn't want this for you," she said.
"It's not your fault."
"No, it is. It really is. I got... too mad. It's my fault."

I didn't know what to say; I never do. I looked up at the house. The yard was filled with trash and old furniture we had thrown out. It felt like clambering through a playground. The house was in need of a new painting. Some of the outside was peeling. The front porch was dented. All the windows were dark. I squinted at a blurry shape near a shutter, wondering if mom was home. She would make Jenny feel better. I opened the gate and let myself in. The gate swung shut behind me. Still crying, Jenny walked through the closed gate.

I reached up for Jenny's hand. She couldn't hold it, but she let hers hover through mine. An icy shiver shot through my body. Goosebumps erected all over my neck, legs, and arms, and I knew I was loved. Hand in almost hand, we walked up the rocky pathway together towards our house.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My favorite Jokes ever

1. My mother says she wishes I’d never been born and I don’t think that’s true. Because then she’d have a 26 year old man living inside of her. –Dan Mintz

2. “I could never be in a porno because the director would have to keep yelling at me not to fall in love." -Mike Drucker

3. I discovered the cure for depression, here's what you do, you take a blue or black pen, draw a rabbit's face atop your own face. Make some rabbit ears out of paper plates or cotton balls, I don't know what you have. You make some fudge, which is pretty easy, from what I have read. You go out on your front porch and start yelling at people. Hey jackass! Want some fudge? Hey pretty lady! Oh a guy, sorry sorry, want some fudge? It gets you out and about in your community and shows everyone you need help. -Maria Bamford

4. “I’m a pretty shy person. My number one pet peeve is when my loud extroverted friends are like ‘No Aparna, don’t feel weird, I’m actually shy too, we all are a little bit.’ Don’t do that. Don’t take the one thing I have to cling to this world to in the fetal position preferably. If you say you’re shy you need the street cred to back it up. You need to earn it. Have you ever been kicked out of the library for being too quiet? ‘Sorry, miss, but you’ve been here for days.’ ‘But my friends live in the pages!’” –Aparna Nancherla

5. Travelling can be pretty lonely, wait, no not traveling, what's the word? Life can be pretty lonely. Have you told someone you're really lonely and they're like, oh we should hang out. That's not what I meant. -John Mulaney

6. It was so beautiful today I only watched four hours of law and order in my apartment. -John Mulaney

7. This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. -TJ Miller

8. She said, 'You're an unoriginal jerk. Everything you've said to me you've said to some other girl.' I felt awful but I was like, 'Yeah, of course.' There's only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, you're going to run out and be like, 'Garbage truck banana boat.' -TJ Miller

9.  I was an altar boy when I was a kid, and the answer is 'no.' -Mike Birbiglia

10. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” -Demetri Martin

11. "I don't know if Tyra Banks is a deep person. I bet she's never wondered, what would happen if I ate this piece of poop." -Rylee Newton

12. "I like sloppy seconds as much as the next guy." -Steven Wilber

13. "Everything is horrible. The world is a smoking ruin. Our dreams are but wispy tendrils upon the wind. And President Obama says what we should do to fix everything is to increase taxes upon the wealthy. I don't think we should do that. I think we should murder the wealthy in front of their children, so that their children become Batman." -Dan Telfer

14. "Being happy is like riding a bike. You're better at it if your dad didn't abandon you when you were two." -Morgan Murphy

15. "I read an article that said car accidents happen closest to home. Does that mean orphans are better drivers? If you think about it, it makes sense because they have more time to practice when they're not being loved by anyone." -Jon Dore

16. "I like drinking so much I can't tell if I love drinking or just hate myself." -Jon Dore

17. "If you visit Hiroshima, it's okay to be an optimist, just don't use the phrase every cloud has a silver lining" -Jon Dore

18. "My roommate said for a long time she thought you lost your virginity whenever your hymen broke and that's crazy. If that was true then I lost mine when I was like 12 at gymnastics camp when I slept with my coach." -Jamie Lee.

19. "I was looking for porn and I didn't know what to look for and I just started googling 'Hot dudes who care about me.'" -Heather Thompson

20. "When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle." -Anthony Jeselnik