Tuesday, June 26, 2012

More attempts at Monologue Jokes

According to a recent study, children who grow up with a family dog are less likely to aquire asthma.
Because it's man's best friend, not asthmatic nerd's best friend.

Scientists in Germany discovered the fossils of turtles who appear to have died during sexual intercourse. How good at fucking do you have to be...

Scientists say male birds lose interest in their mates if the female's beauty fades. Or at least, what we perceive as bird beauty. How do we know? Listen, some birds like a gal with a little badonk-a-donk in the tail.

This week, a hundred year old tortoise died; the last of his kind. He never really came out of his shell.

This week another bath salt cannibal tried to attack a New York police officer. That's so counter intuitive. I thought zombies liked brains.

The east coast sea level rose very dramatically and quickly. Said global warming, "Is that an apocalypse in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Microsoft says it has no plans to make a phone. Said microsoft, "I'm not saying never, I just wanna focus on me for a while; I don't know if I'm ready to bring a phone into this world."

The NBC much loved sitcom Friends is coming to Blueray. "What's Friends?" Said anyone young enough to own a Blueray.

According to a new study, some children get an impression of what sex is from videogames. Haha! That's so dumb! We all know sex is really all about devouring little ghosts.

A man was charged with obscenity for feeding his friends his own penis. See, I told y’all that sausagefests were obscene.

Yesterday the US navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana from the ocean. Said the ocean, "no! Wait! I have a prescription!"

Sandusky's wife testified that all the alleged victims are actually family friends... WITH BENEFITS

Reportedly, Tim Pawlenty is the most dynamic GOP potential running mate. Sorry, rock on which I glued googly eyes and wrote the word "despair."

A new poll shows compared to Obama, Mitt Romney is seen as more out of touch, or as it's also known, a republican presidential candidate.

Romney said he'll turn over Obama's immigration order. The immigration order blushed and said, "But Mitt, shouldn't we try it missionary first? Isn't that what mormons like?"

Tomorrow in New York it's supposed to be 84 degrees, or 12 Kevin Bacons.

There was a big twitter outage yesterday. Said folks, "what year is it? Are my kids still alive? Look the sun- oh nevermind twitter's back."

A California woman tried to sell a baby outside a Walmart. That's so dumb. That stuff belongs in aisle 5.

After being found guilty of 45 accounts of sexual abuse, Jerry Sandusky claims to be suicidal. Said everyone (shrug) "good."

Jerry Sandusky was convicted of 45 accounts of sexual abuse. Said Douglas Adams fans, "No! We were so close!"

Justice Alito said 14 yr olds should get the same cruel and unusual punishment as adults. Are they gonna send adults to public high school?!

Rielle Hunter said she and Edwards are no longer in a relationship. Said Edwards, yeah but that hasn't necessarily stopped me in the past."

Reports show that the Easter Island statues may have been handled via ropes and manpower. No reports yet on what was the statues' safe word.

A political group of homosexuals support Romney. How rich do you have to be to be a gay republican? "Civil rights... or pool of magic gold?"

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

More Monologue Jokes

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak said he is not that impressed with Siri. Said Siri, "Isn't it cute how I programmed Steve mark 2 to say that?"

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak said he isn't that impressed with Siri. I believe his exact words were, "I liked Siri okay until Apple bought it and I think the company has made some mistake- aaagh my insides are burning, why is this happening?"

Google received over 1,000 requests from government agencies around the world to remove items. Said the secret service, "Specifically items of clothing."
(play stripper music)

Google received over 1,000 requests from governments around the world to remove items. Censorship is getting so out of hand. What on google could be that bad- NO!
Key: Image: Stationary that is headed with "Barbara Holm Age 10" and below that in children's writing, "Dear Joey in Mrs. Davis' class..."

A US Air Force spy plane returned to Earth after 469 days of a classified intelligence operation and boy are his hegemonic stylings of global corruption tired.

Last week, the sun shot off two flares and two coronal mass ejections towards the Earth. Said the apocalypse, "Oh, that's okay, it happens to a lot of stars."

Last week, the sun shot off two flares and two coronal mass ejections towards the Earth. Said the apocalypse, "Oh, that's okay, it happens to a lot of stars. Next time try thinking of baseball."

Physicists theorize that neutrons have the power to trade places with twin particles in a parallel universe. So after camp, let's swap and trick the parallel universes into loving us again!

Spielberg considered making a sequel to ET with mean aliens. Reminding me of the time my dad told me stop phoning home.

Michael Bay will not be directing a reboot of the Ninja Turtles. Said feminists, "Cowabunga!"

Michael Bay will not be directing a reboot of the Ninja Turtles. So my dad retains the duty of childhood shreddering.

Reportedly, far more planets are capable of supporting life than initially thought. But hey planets, just because you can support a life, doesn't mean you should give up going to college for a man.

More planets are capable of supporting life than initially thought. But hey girl, just because you can support a life, doesn't mean you should give up going to college.

A cooked squid inseminated the mouth of the woman with preserved sperm. Which is ridiculous. A squid ghost would make a horrible mouth baby daddy.

A cooked squid inseminated the mouth of the woman with preserved sperm. Said the squid ghost, "I... I do wanna be there the kid. It's the carnivorous mother I'm not so sure about."

Physicists theorize that neutrons may trade places with twin particles in a parallel universe. Said neutrons, “After camp, let's swap and trick the parallel universes into loving us again!”

Australia is creating the world's largest marine parks. It’s a whale of a project.

Shia LaBeouf got naked to star in a music video. His nipples were non-symmetrical but everything else was even steven.

Mitt Romney was amazed by a store where you could order a sandwich through a computer. What amazed him was getting to see his dad again.

Rebublicans grew irate when the sci fi series Game of Thrones showed an image of George Bush's head impaled on a spike a la Vlad the Impaler. And that is disgusting and horrible. I don't want republicans watching Game of Thrones!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Monologue Jokes

Research shows that penguins’ graphic sexual acts shocked early polar explorers. Mainly because it’s counterintuitive that the handcuffs don’t slide off the flippers.

Research shows that penguins’ sexual acts were so graphic that early explorers hid the photographic evidence. So I guess those pictures you found in my sock drawer weren’t that creepy now, were they?

Research shows that penguins’ sexual acts were so graphic that explorers hid the photographic evidence. Meaning someone else has the weirdest sock drawer.

Scientists discovered a parasitic plant that steals genes. But it’d be way creepier if they payed for them.

Scientists discovered a parasitic plant that steals genes. I guess herbs today aren’t willing to work hard and become the master race the old fashioned way.

Scientists discovered a parasitic plant that steals genes. So if you notice your dad missing a vial of blood and then a week later being replaced by a plant dad, you know what’s up.

Scientists discovered a parasitic plant that steals genes. (Turn to a plant that is near the desk) Sorry, what? No, I’m Barbara Holm. Well, I got the bow tie... Who are they gonna believe, you or me? (laugh maniacally and push plant over.)

Christopher Nolan continually reiterates that he will not be making a fourth Batman movie. (Say the premise very straightforward deadpan. Pause for three seconds. Then start realistically sobbing.)
DC is deciding between rebooting Green Lantern or creating a sequel to the 2011 movie, or as Green Lantern fans know it- what 2011 movie?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

attempts at monologue jokes

The British Prime Minister accidentally left his eight year old daughter in a pub. In his defense, after a few pints, the pub did look like an orphanage.

This week a 52 year old man was the first person to get a double arm transplant or in other words became the oldest person to have to relearn the macarena

A UFO seen in the middle east was linked to a Russian missile test. Said humanity, "don't worry it's only something way scarier."

Reportedly, Iceland's "lochness monster" is a giant worm. So I'm gonna go cut it in two and make TWO lochness monsters! Twinsies!

Lindsay Lohan totaled a porsch. Said Lohan, "Since no one cares about my body anymore I had to find something else beautiful to destroy."

A new study shows coffee drinkers live longer than non coffee drinkers. "S-s-see I-I-I-I told you" I stammer to someone who's actually happy.

Romney has yet to pick a running mate, or in other words he's yet to pay someone to utilize spare parts to build "the one" to tear the world apart.

Rain has caused a rapid cotton crop maturation, subsequently, cotton crop's father isn't ready to explain to her she's gonna be a tampon.

Tucsan named a skate park after a boy who was killed in a shooting. Said the universe, "nah, dude you can't engineer something to be haunted."

Alabama has outlawed protesting at funerals. Said Death, "Tough shit, there's no picketing in reaping, whatcha gonna do, cry about it? Oh.. you are? That's awkward."

Thursday, June 7, 2012

More attempts at monologue jokes

Archaeologists uncovered skeletons that were buried in a manner indicating suspicion they may have been vampires. Said manner of course being buried in KISSES!

A group of goats were found trapped on a roof. Police are very confused as to how my collection of ex boyfriends turned into goats.

Jeb Bush said he thinks he may have missed his opportunity to be president. The "Opportunity" of course being the alignment of the planets and opening of the gates to hell.

A NY train driver was suspended for endangering the lives of hundreds of people reading while driving. Also, I think I found my soul mate!

The Al Qaeda no. 2 man was recently killed. That's what they get for doing all their hiring on a desecrated Indian burial ground.

A Texas Family found the image of Jesus in the shower mold. See, mom, cleanliness isn't that much next to godliness after all!

An Idaho burglar fell asleep in the home he broke into. Said Doc, Sneezey and Dopey, "Bro, that only works if it's a hot chick."

Hugh Hefner got back together with his 22 year old girlfriend, so I guess me being goth in college wasn't that "creepy" now, was it?

Detainees in Guantanamo Bay are being tortured via loud Sesame Street blared directly into their ear drums. So at least they can count the ways we're desecrating the Geneva convention.

Mitt Romney clarified that he would have actually backed the government bailout of the auto industry. But ONLY because cars are destroying the planet.

During a routine stop, traffic police found a toddler holding a gun. Said the gun, "I know she's too young, but is it so wrong to just want someone to hold you during the dark lonely nights?"

The corpse of a murderer was found mauled by a bear. The bear was given a lethal injection, which sounds way less cute than a bear cape.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


It was like waking up directly in the middle of a blackout. Not sure what had happened the night before, he knew it was something terrible before his vision even kicked in. The screaming subsided inside of his head but as he came to awareness, he vaguely understood that his inner thoughts hadn’t been the only screams that night.

His eyes were already open when he woke up. Trembling on the carpeted floor, he had been in the process of attempting to claw his way out of the room. The door was cut up and scraped. Bits of wood lay around his arms and legs.

He gasped and cringed back from the door. It seemed impossible. He looked down at his hands and was sure of it as they resumed their normal man shape. His nails were cracked. His knuckles bled. There was something under his fingernails, a dark gooey substance.

“No,” he whispered. His voice came out horse, a shattered glass window of a voice. He touched his chapped bleeding lips. They shook with terror, barely hiding the gleam of shrinking pointed teeth. Standing, his knees cracked and his muscles already ached from impending bruises. He was naked and covered in cuts and green and yellow marks of capillary damage, though not as much as he would have liked. What was left of his pajamas lay shredded on the floor.

He turned very slowly around his bedroom, his muscles moving with a robotic precision. The fog in his head evaporated gradually. His eyes became less sharp in the darkness. His hearing dulled.

Harry had always been so good with checking the schedule. He had calendars around his home, around his office, and programmed into any electrical device that would have let him. He was just trying to keep everyone safe. Something had gone wrong tonight. Tonight wasn’t on the schedule. It must have been some sort of anomaly like an eclipse.

Everything moved in slow motion as Harry realized what was happening. It probably took him less than a minute but it felt like decades. The grey light from the window fell into the room like a harsh mallet onto a baby’s head. Dawn approached with a subtle gentle light that was in so many ways more terrifying than the darkness.

Books were knocked off the shelves, pictures torn from the walls. A mound of stinky feces curled on the carpet. A vase lay broken with flowers scattering the floor.

He had changed in his bedroom.

Harry rushed to his bed, leaping over the mattress with the strength and agility that had yet to wear off. He couldn’t remember what had happened, but it seemed obvious. This had been what he had run from, planned for, strategized against for years. He had ultimately only been trying to avoid this one single moment.

Denise lay at his feet in a smooth puddle of blood.

Her eyes were open, staring up at him, wide and bright. Her mouth stretched open as if she had been ready to eat an apple, which she had loved so much. Her hands were raised, as if to protect herself, although that notion was almost laughable. To who would laugh at something this horrible was a riddle Harry feared the answer.

Kneeling at his work, he gently let his fingers fall to her neck. Harry sweetly moved the necklace he had given her out of the way and caressed her wave of blonde hair over her shoulder to feel her pulse.

With cold, calculating meticulously, he made the phone call to the police. Then he set the phone down. They wouldn’t be able to understand this, a corpse half devoured by a ravage beast. If he explained it to them, they wouldn’t believe him. They’d take him to a hospital, a building filled with innocent people, with his next victims.

He could run away, but this would happen again. No matter how careful he was, he would hurt someone. And even if he didn’t, he still was an aberration anyway. He had destroyed something beautiful and special, a human life. He was a monster. His existence was undeserved.

The police were still several miles away. Still naked, Harry sat in a chair, opposite his wife. A torrent of tears fell down his stern solid face. He wasn’t sure when he had started crying, he just became aware of it that he was.

He was a mistake. And the thing he hated most about himself was not realizing it sooner. The shotgun felt cold and real in his hands. He had never been a gun person, but this precaution seemed necessary when Denise had moved in. He wanted her to know that if she needed to, she had to do it. Why hadn’t she done it last night? Had she been to scared or too sentimental?

Wiping tears from his cheeks, Harry placed the end of the rifle in his mouth, while staring at the body of the last person who had loved him. He pulled the trigger and his naked body fell to the floor.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Quiz Time!

Scene: Two people sitting on a couch or something, girl has a magazine, boy is watching television, sitting like a couple.

BARBARA: Hey, Andy…

ANDY: Oh, hello there. Greetings.

BARBARA: Um, quick question. When you like a girl do you a.) ask her out. B.) wait for her to ask you out or c.) sneak into her home when she’s out, dress up in her clothes and sing the theme song to Duck Tales?


Barbara writes in magazine

BARBARA: Okay, so say you’re at a party or a bar and the girl you’re with says she’s never been there before do you a.) offer to get her a drink b.) ask her if she wants to go somewhere quieter or 3.) Unzip your skin suit to show her the shredded bloody innards of your chasis?

ANDY: The second one. Why?

BARBARA: Just uh out of curiousity.

ANDY: You know what they say about curiosity.

BARBARA: It killed the cat?


BARBARA: No, Andy, calm down. I killed your cat.

ANDY: Ah, yes, good, good.

BARBARA: Okay, question number three, you’re with a girl and she farts in bed.

ANDY: Wow, I’m really hungry now. Do you want some tea?

BARBARA: Um, oh, sure.

Andy stands up and walks a couple steps.

ANDY: Barbara, how many fish do you want in your tea?


ANDY: Obviously.

Andy walks off screen.

Barbara stands up quickly, whips phone out of pocket.

BARBARA: Potato! I mean hello! … He is not the chosen one…. Yes, I understand. I’ll take care of it.

Andy returns with two cups.

ANDY: Hey sweetie, I found the tea…

BARBARA: (like a chicken) Bock! Bock! Bock! Bock! Bock! Bock!

ANDY (cringring, cradling his head and hunching over.) What are you doing? Stop this madness!

BARBARA: (flapping her arms now) Bock! Bock! Bock! Bock!

ANDY: My brain is bleeding! Please have some mercy!

Andy runs off stage crying.

Barbara picks up one of the cups.

BARBARA: Um, this only has six fish.