Sunday, April 29, 2012
The breeze rustled through the trees lining the pond, a gentle whispering technique that nature was attempting to deploy as a soothing ruse. It wouldn't work on me; I was much too strong of mind to fall for a trick like that. I looked over my shoulder along the wooden dock. A few splatters of bird shit stained the dark wood in a white spotting design, like a Roy Lichtenstein painting. Beyond the dock stretched my parents' gravelly backyard, full of discarded furniture and trash, used up remnants of life.
Their home loomed in the distance, the home I had grown up in, the home I had grown out of, the home I seemed to be visiting with increasing frequency as my adult life fell apart. I was coming back more and more to escape something. Visiting this small town I had lived in as a child, I took comfort not in fond memories, but in any memories at all.
The sun was disappearing behind the trees, sucking any sense of warmth out of the evening. Shivering, I knew it was time to go back. I looked at the house, waiting to be motivated to want to go in.
My hair whipped across my face and I stood up on the dock. The damp wood felt creaky and good beneath my feet. I wiggled my toes, digging myself into the dock, trying to become it. I wanted to be the rotting wood. I wanted to hover over the pond. I wanted to be a place to sit and pretend to be pensive. Teenagers would come sit on me if I was a dock and they would make out and touch each other and pretend to have deep meaningful conversations and to share their feelings and I would be under them, sitting patiently waiting for them to get it over with.
I stood at the end of the long dock with my back to my house. My posture was tall and straight. My feet dug into the dock; my toes curled over the edge. My armpits were moist. I attempted to keep my trembling to a minimum as I would need the use of my muscles and some level of agility from my limbs. My knees were loose, not bent but not locked either. I took a deep breath.
Raising my arms above my head I jumped into the air. Midair I bent my body, flipping my legs up behind me in a pointed human leg tail. My hands came together, clasped themselves automatically, and pointed down into the water. I let myself slide through the air, cutting through space and time like a pointy dagger. All sound washed away. I closed my eyes and now my entire senses were being controlled by the tactile center. I could feel everything. I could feel all the particles of moisture in the air seeping in through my shirt. I could feel the emptiness sliding away.
My pointed hands hit the freezing water and I slipped easily through, making very little splash. The water was too murky for me to open my eyes, but I didn't need to at this point. I swam down farther, kicking my toes. I was speeding away from the surface, away from my day job, away from my friends and family, away from the rent I didn't know if I could pay, away from the ex boyfriend who cut me out of his life, away from the desperation and loneliness and desire for connection, away from putting my foot in my mouth, away from everyone I loved who I ultimately hurt and broke and disappointed, away from the smell of cheese.
Thus submerged I felt safe, hidden, and free.
The pond went deeper than I thought. Without feeling tired, I swam for miles, down into caverns far below our adorable fishing pond. Soon enough I didn't need to breathe. I had escaped. Opening my eyes finally in the darkness, the water was much clearer down here, which seemed counter-intuitive. A few yards from me I could see a tiny house underwater. It was pink, the size of a child's playhouse or a shed. It was resting in a tree, that had somehow grown underwater. I swam towards it.
When I got there I opened the front door of the tree playhouse and let myself inside. No one was there, not that I really expected anyone to be, not that my expectations of how normalcy worked had any weight down here. The house was barely tall enough to fit someone of my unimpressive height and size, almost as though it had been custom built for me. The walls inside were a rich green, my favorite color. Breathing, for the first time underwater, I could smell coconut and freshness.
There was a small table set up in the center of the house. It was lined with a tea set and some plates of plastic fruit. A stack of comic books rested on the corner of the table. On the floor lay a few old barbies and action figures. In chairs sitting around the table were two porcelain dolls and a big teddy bear. The dolls had glass eyes that stared at me through the water with piercing shining brightness. The teddy bear had black button eyes that seemed to watch me wherever I moved around the house.
There was an extra chair next to bear. An empty tea cup sat in front of it. A small lacey doiley curled up at me, like a dead dry leaf rotting on the sidewalk. I sat down next to the bear in the empty seat. I didn't help myself to tea, but rather just politely looked down at my hands in my lap, occasionally stealing glances at Bear and the dolls to make sure they were enjoying themselves. They were. They remained frozen in time forever, underwater at this tea party.
John Boehner said there's no such thing as the GOP's war against women. Said the still undeclared war in Iraq, "But if you believe hard enough, dreams do come true."
Karl Rove said Obama was too cool to be president. Oh, I get it now, Rove *wants* the country to be run by a hapless loser.
A 20 year old girl claims that Justin Bieber got her pregnant. Justin wrote an entire album about her. Said the woman, "Gee thanks, but all I wanted was $600 and a ride."
Beyonce was named People's most beautiful woman. "Good, good," said the scientists who put the soul into the giant barbie. "They think it is a People."
The Beach Boys are releasing their first new single after 20 years. It's going to be titled, "Just wait 3 minutes and we'll get back to the hits."
24 year old singer Rhianna said that her experiences with domestic violence actually empowered her as a woman. That's so horribly offensive to me as a woman, that she's younger than me.
A 20 year old girl claims that Justin Bieber got her pregnant. Justin wrote an entire album about her. Which seems like overkill when all she really needed was help going down the stairs.
Burger King pledged to not get meat from chicken raised in cages ever again. Because who needs cages when the evil wizard can keep them imprisoned in his mind?
Gingrich said he will leave the race but remain in the national spotlight. Said stage manager, "fire the guy doing the spotlight! He's clearly fucking around."
Scientists claim the mad cow outbreak is a random freak mutation, which is government doublespeak for yes, Virginia, there is a zombie god
Scientists claim that the mad cow outbreak in the US is a random freak mutation, which is government doublespeak for yes, there are zombies
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Rumors have surfaced about the imminent release of an iPad mini, for when just you want that special someone to think you have big hands.
Reportedly, Nasa may have found life on Mars. "Oh my god, aliens exist! We're going to be attacked!" said the microscopic bacteria when Nasa found them.
The new iPhone case can stop a bullet, so if you're afraid of being shot, put the iphone in your front shirt pocket, so it'll be easier to steal.
According to a recent study, videogames are hurting the lumberjack industry because most people would rather play games than engage in a dangerous difficult profession. Following that logic, also hurting the lumberjack industry: literally everything.
Marvel announced that they are not doing a Hulk sequel. Thank goodness. Nothing against the Hulk but he’s been in three movies in the last few years. Maybe it's time to do a super hero movie with a woman protagonist, hahahaha just kidding, let's make another Spiderman.
Today in China, Scientists cloned a sheep. And I think it's going to be so cute, when he does the chores for the original sheep.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Leaning against the wall, I tried to catch my breath, but realized I wasn't out of it to begin with. The tension in my chest area only tightened with this realization, a dark cloud inside my torso, rising from my stomach. I felt like a dark tornado was spinning in a tight spiral beneath my rib cage, winding tighter into itself. Utter chaos and mayhem swirled deep in the pit, and yet when I looked up, my face looked calm.
In my reflection, my lips weren't trembling, they were round and parted, sticking out grotesquely like a fish's. My cheeks weren't damp. The gloomy grey light filtered in through the room illuminated my face in foreboding shadows. The cold light highlighted the bones beneath my skin, the angles that they created beneath the sack of human skin. It reminded me that ultimately I was a structure, a skeleton. Dangling loosely over the framing, characterizing walls were flaps of muscle, tissue, blood and skin hanging like sheets pulled over a tree branch to simulate a child's tent.
I looked normal but I didn't really look like me. My reflection was a robot that had been built to look like me, but was lacking something important, something deeper than the mechanics. All the parts were there, but the internal programming was jammed. The structure was sound but something was very severely broken, shattered with the soul. This terrified me and had become a more oft reoccurring thought that drowned out any other daydream, hope and even analysis.
Inside the external structure oozed a pit of bad things, swimming up and spoiling all the lovely perfect shiny knobs on the robot walls. I stared into my eyes, dark, scared, the only part of myself that oozed nervous energy right now. I took a deep breath and realized it was time to let go.
Leaning over I clutched my aching lower abdomen with one hand. My palm applied pressure. The tornado of anxiety inside of me danced with excitement at the imminent release of the storm. Nausea overcame me as the tornado screamed for escape from its prison. I swiftly flung my braided hair from the front side of my shoulders to my back. The braid fell thickly with a thwap against the winged jut of my shoulders, reassuringly sliding into place. I crouched like a track runner about to begin a race. Then my fingers drew to my lips.
It should be more difficult to do something like this, but it's so simple that I can't imagine why everyone doesn't. I used to feel crippled with guilt and shame for doing this, but now I feel so shameful and dirty when I don't do it. I opened my lips and out flew the tornado like a black winged bird into the quiet room. Soaring easily, the twister was a violent swarm of energy, tension, disgust, pain and failure. I heaved for a few minutes, coughing and spitting until I was free of it. It glided ethereally around the bathroom for a moment and then cascaded in a rushing torrent down into the toilet. Surprised I reflected that that the violent energy had a moment ago been brewing inside of me.
As it drained from me, into the toilet, I felt free and light. My abdomen shook, releasing the energy. The poison seeped from me like puss from a would. It leaked from me, an inner darkness that I was so happy to be rid of. The tornado consisted of tears, screaming, criticism, fighting, curling away into oneself to shut everyone else. The tornado was an amalgamation of hiding under the desk in your bedroom behind a pile of laundry and pillows after seeing your neighbors, together, on top of each other, yelling, sweating, shaking, while you cry and run back to your own house, unaware of what you saw or what you're doing or why you feel so dirty and ashamed and helpless. And that feeling was evacuated fully from me and replaced with the calming euphoria of absolutely nothing, for the time being.
I wiped my mouth with my hands and turned on the faucet, dipping my fingers into the stream, letting the cool liquild cleanse myself. I breathed for perhaps the first time in a while, a deep healing breath. I was empty of the anxiety. I filled the now clean and pure vessle of my torso with another deep fresh breath.
"Hello," said a voice.
I turned back away from the mirror and looked at the toilet. I jumped back in surprise and then rubbed my eyes and stared. Sitting on the seat was a small gnome-like creature. He had on black pants and a green sweatshirt. A long grey beard tangled over his tiny gnome face. His feet were bare, crossed one over top of the other, and swinging over the toilet edge.
"Hi," I said. I shifted my weight and looked at the toilet for a second and then at the door to the hallway.
"What are you doing?" the gnome asked.
"Getting ready for bed."
I looked around the room searchingly.
"Aren't you going to ask me what I'm doing?" the gnome asked.
"Sorry. What are you doing?"
"I don't know. I guess I'm getting ready for bed too."
"May I come to bed with you?"
"No," I said.
"Who are you?'
"I'm your tornado."
"You're a gnome."
"I got rid of you. I voided you from me."
"You have a queen sized bed?"
"You can't... um... you can't sleep over," I said.
I forced my feet to take a baby step forward. The linoleum was cold and harsh against my soles. My pajama pants hung long, curling under my heels and dragging behind me. I clutched my arms, hugging myself for comfort. Motionless, the gnome watched me. I reached out and with one shivering finger, flushed the toilet. The gnome was sucked down into the bowl. He spun around, his beard clotting in the toilet water, his clothing saturated. His eyes stared up at me, beady at black like marbles. He smiled at me just before he was sucked down into the pipe. His smile was the last thing I saw of him.
I turned the light switch on in the bathroom and then remembered I was leaving and decided to turn it off. I unlatched the door and padded down the hallway. One of my housemates heard me leave the bathroom and opened his door and walked into it. I wondered how long he had been waiting, if he had tried the door, if he had knocked.
I went back in my bedroom and fell onto my bed. The thick blankets easily wrapped all the way around my unsure form and I cowered under them. I shivered for a while and then rested back against the pillows and stuffed animals. The screaming in my head quieted to a dull roar. My housemates downstairs were turning in for bed. Gradually the sensations of light and sound grew dimmer. Something akin to comfort stroked my shaking back. The night overtook my eyelids like a gentle man in a faun costume masquerading as a prince. I was warm and for a split second right before I slid into sleep I almost convinced myself I was somehow safe from and not afraid of whatever was brewing like a tight tornado inside of me.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Reportedly, The Hunger Games may be seeking a new director for their sequel. Which is like saying, (said in a voice like you're calling a kitty): Here, Peter Jackson, here Peter, c'mere, who's a good boy!
According to a recent study, some homophobic bullies may be acting out because of an attraction to the same sex or parental pressure. Said victims, "oh good, I was hoping you had a tortured psychological excuse for being a douchebag."
Pizza Hut is introducing a pizza with hot dogs injected into the crust. For when you want your body to know how much you hate yourself.
A group of scientists have designed a plasma light device that can kill bacteria normal soap can't touch. "Gee, that seems kinda personal," said bacteria.
A new law was passed in New York instigating the removal of all sex offenders from online games. Because we wouldn't want anything creepy to happen in MMORPGs.
Recently Apple delayed a game's release because they were worried the teddy bears in the game were recruiting tools for pedophiles. Which is like saying, hey, pedophiles, we don't call the police for things like that, but watch out we might delay your game release a few weeks!
Parents everywhere panicked when a three year old boy found a live grenade during an easter egg hunt. Which is so upsetting and scary, that he found the christmas presents eight months early!
A new law was passed in New York instigating the removal of all sex offenders from online games. Said sex offenders, "But... we have nowhere else to go...so... cold."
Recently, a New Jersey man survived a metal nail driven through his heart. Maybe he should have watched a single episode of Buffy before attempting the stupidest vampire suicide ever.
A Las Vegas industry is commercially marketing an IV that reportedly can cure hangovers. But a numbing medication can't remove all of last night's mistakes.
Key: Picture of diapers.
For more jokes of this ilk follow @barbara_holm on twitter
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sometimes I attempt to write monologue jokes
Reportedly simply watching dance activates a muscular response. So that's why standing against the wall by myself at the party leaves me so sweaty.
A New York man and son were arrested for burying a 26 foot long stolen truck. Which is ridiculous. Now they'll never get their magic truck tree!
AFA foods is facing criticism for using "pink slime" to disinfect meat. Which I agree, is a dumb way to promote Ghostbusters 3.
French scientists report that people feel sexier when holding a glass of alcohol. Said glasses of alcohol, I know, me too, but we can never be together, we are of two different worlds, but please just lay here and hold me for a little bit longer, Jack?
Consumer spending for Easter is up 11 percent from last year. Wow, can you believe the price increase in shovels to dig up undead deities? I don’t know what Easter is.
This week Bruce Willis became a father to his fourth child. Which is so adorable that the number of daughters matches that of die hard movies
A new study suggests that people who have sleep breathing problems have a higher risk of depression. Duh, if you stop breathing in your sleep you'll feel much less depressed.
Florida legislature overturned a ban on dying animals different colors. I know, I know, it's really fucked up... that anyone would even try to ban the creation of carebears.
President Obama said if the Supreme Court overturns his health care law it would be “judicial activism.” Oh, cool, “judicial activism” must be a new vocab word for idiotic.
A cat in New York City attacked his owner and ran away by smashing through a glass door. "Don’t make me adorable, you won't like me when I'm adorable," said hulk kitty.
Astronomers reported that in addition to the moon, there are always two 1-meter asteroids orbiting the Earth. Which is what we get for having a black president.
Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby, may have gotten his new girlfriend pregnant. "Sure give him all the credit," said Johnston’s basement full of African fertility statues.
Mitt Romney said Obama was out of touch after “years of flying around on Air Force One, surrounded by an adoring staff of ‘true believers.’” Because apparently the president's job description mirrors that of a cult leader.
Yahoo is cutting 2000 jobs, or 14 percent of its workforce. I wonder why they're having so many problems? Maybe I should goog- oh.
New York City Police warned everyone to look out for a new bracelet that with a plastic handcuff key. Because they are like so hot for the new fall line! Can you get that at Forever 21?
For more monologue style things follow @barbara_holm on twitter