Thursday, October 28, 2010

long story joke with no real ending

I went home to see my family because if you don’t experience pain, I think you can’t appreciate what love feels like. My mom asked if I was dating anyone and I was like “well if by dating you mean trying to guess their ages, then no. Age doesn’t matter; it’s size that counts.” I haven’t had a boyfriend in two years because I like being happy. My brother David said “She doesn’t date men, she just has f-u-c-k buddies.” And that’s when we found out that my eighty year old grandma can spell. She started crying and wailing, “I’ll never have grandchildren.” And I was like “technically, it’s me that will never have your grandchildren if you were having your own grandchildren that means you were impregnated by your son.” And my mom was like, “what about david?” and she was like “I don’t want my grandchildren to be redheads!” because my brother has read hair. I’m like “what’s the likelihood of that happening when his girlfriend is asian?” and she said, “Barbara that’s offensive, I’m colorblind,” Then why do you care about redheads?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

This drama is still going on....

"To put it another way, if I am on stage and I make a joke about suicide, and someone in the audience just lost a family member to suicide, I'd certainly feel awful for causing someone a moment of pain. But that person came to a comedy club, where any topic is fair game. And if they really don't like what happened, they can leave. They can ask for their money back. They can even wait in the parking lot to yell at me, if they wish. But however angry they might be with me, the fact remains that they willingly entered that club with the understanding that they might not like what they hear. " -Paul F Tompkins (

"Tycho: Hello, this is Tycho Brahe, of Penny Arcade. We recently made a comic strip where an imaginary person was raped imaginarily by a mythological creature whose every limb was an erect phallus. Some found that idea disturbing.
Gabe: We want to state in clear language, without ambiguity or room for interpretation: We hate rapers, and all the rapes they do. Seriously, though. Rapists are really the worst.
Tycho: It's possible you read our cartoon, and became a rapist as a direct result. If you're raping someone right now, stop. Apologize. And leave. Go, and rape no more."
-Penny Arcade

This thing with rape jokes is confusing. Can we not say the word rape without offending someone? Or is it more like we can't describe rape (because that might give someone a flashback) or make light of it? I used to feel this way about suicide/ eating disorder jokes. If a comic just said the word "eating disorder" it didn't really offend me, but if a comic described in detail how it feels (full of self loathing, wanting to disappear etc) that would make me uncomfortable. But I got over it and now I make those jokes more than anyone. Also even when I was more sensitive to that shit it wasn't like I couldn't laugh at it if it was funny. Only nonfunny things could ever offend me.

"Substitute the word "tape"" - The amazing Tim Hammer.
Me: "Isn't she tapeable? Not with that voice."

Saturday, October 23, 2010

why I didn't make it to work today

Why I didn't make it to work today... a poem

Jumping on my bed
Bouncing on the dead
Dancing to the beats
There’ s a ghost in my sheets
He’ s haunting my pillow heap
So I can’ t go to sleep
The ghost is a scary poltergeist
Even scarier than Jesus Christ
The guy crucified on the cross
Returning as a zombie to show who’ s boss
But this ghost wasn’ t Jesus
Stop making a fuss
He’ s not magic so calm the heck down
He’ s just the ghost of an old clown
Who murdered his family
And chopped them to bits tidily
And was given the electric chair
Which fried off all his hair
And killed him so hard to death
Zapping out all his breath
He’ s in bed trying to haunt me
As plain as you can see
He’ s certainly not fake
And he’ s keeping me awake
So If I don’ t make it in to work tomorrow
Even though I’ d regrettably be filled with sorrow
It’ s because I had a terrible fright
I was haunted all fricking night
It’ s not because of all the beers you see
That may or may not have been drank by me
I’ m not hung over I can safely boast
I’ m skipping work because of the ghost.